fear

fear to me is being alone. the thought of being alone is just horrible. I guess this is so for me because I am a people person, i amd a person who wants to care for someone. As adivorced mother I know that i am not alone. I do have my kids and my fear is not having a partner. fear as a child was living with my abusive step father. How i longed for those days to end. but fear was never a physical issue with me because i have always taken chances even though sometimes the outcome wasn’t so great. i was not affraid of really anything growing up. my youngest son is the same way, but being fearless also makes you wreckless. I wish i had more fear, but i don’t. I can say that my lack of fear has also made me a stronger person. not physically stronger but mentally. I know now how to describe things to my son in a way that can hopefully let him see that sometimes having fear is a good thing. my fear of loeliness is something i truly hate to even think about. I want to have a partner that i can share things with, look to for advisce because if they are my partner they can be the first to say hey christy, what in the world are you thinking. fear to a child may be the dark, or in my child hood was never meeting my real father. I just wanted what every other normal kid wanted. I wish that i could say that my fear was something more than loneliness, but its not. I dont fear my life in general because it is a gift, i don’t fear that my bills won’t be paid because payday comes and thats the first thing I do. I do how ever fear that my kids may have hatred torwards me because i divirced their father. I know those fears all to well. i try to teach them and guide them . i want them to see that is okay, because i do see the fear in their faces when they think of their father.  they fear that they won’t get to see him as much and i think their fear isn’t that they won’t see him but if he forgets them.

but being fearless also makes you wreckless. i know from growing up and having absolutely no fear i was very wreckless. I made poor choices not only in life in general but in peiople that i choose to hang out with. I have seen my share of things that no mother or father would want their chilkdren to see. I keep those images in my head for constant reminder and that has made me ther person I am today. I can only hope to pass on my expirence of choices and decisions that had life altering consequences on to my kids in hope to put fear into them in the decisions that they will make growing up. How do you describe fear in general, is it how it makes you feel, does it send chills down your spoine. Do you describe fear as something more deep. Sure most of us don’t like certain creatures. But do you look to the situation and say, okay snake i am bigger and i can kill you. to me I hate snakes, do I fear them no because I know that i can over power that. That is how i have looked and lived my life. why be affraid of something when you can take control of the situation at hand. Fear to me is more, it is deep. it is a loss that you can never gain back. my fear of loneliness is deep. i am a very independent woman and that makes it hard to be with someone. i make my own choices and do my own thing and so it hard to make comprimise of anything. the other person eventually gets tired and then is gone, and their i am back to being alone. or being with someone and thinking hey this is great, but then realizing that you are more alone being with that person then you would be if you were just alone. crazy as it sounds but that is what i fear.  i fear that loneliness because when you are there you are alone. the thoughts that may run through your mind are endless, is is a self destructing thing. you become very negative and harsh on yourself.

Fear to me is more, it is deep. I have heard and seen so much in my life as and EMT that my fear or car wrecks has vanished. My fear of certain situations are gone. My job has taken so much sympathy out of me. I look further into the situation and ask myself what do i need to be affraid of. I see people trying to hold on to loved ones that are obviously gone and they are only keeping the body warm. I would hate that. My life expirence has showed me what living like a vegatable will be. I have also warned everyone close to me that i will huant them if they try to keep my body warm, they need to let me go. I see others fear on 911 calls, i hear their fear when I am taking their calls for help. I t has given me such a bigger area of things not to fear. I don’t fear death like most of the people i come in contact with either by phone or on scene. It is a proven fact that we all are going to die, life is a gift and it isn’t truly ours. These people fear that an accident is going to define the rest of their life, but only if they let it. I have seen peple come back from the worst time in their life. My daughter was shaken at 6 weeks old. she suffered  a severe head bleed and now half her brain is dead. she continues, she has no fear because she knows no fear. isn’t that ironic, how can someone not know what fear is. Some would say how is that possible, fear comes from your mind, the brain, how it works. Fear is a controlling issue. do you control it or does it control you. I guess my only other fear in life would be is for my daughter. if i was taken out of this life today where would she go.