Psychology-- My Lobotomy

Do you believe in the human soul and where does it reside?


I believe we all have souls. I think our souls are not just part of our heart, but our mind as well. The good or the bad comes from the heart. The actions of the soul come from the mind. If you have a good heart, then you will do great things. If your heart is bad then you will do bad things. I think our souls either go to a new creation or if bad go to hell. to feed the devil. God creates new life when one is taken, he passes on the good souls in a new life form.

I think the purpose is to show people the harsh truths about what is really going on and how to help it. We don’t have to go overseas to see that our own is in just as bad shape, yes other countries are far worse. Humanitarian work needs to be done all over. This also talks about how in war the weaker people need protection as well. We sometimes forget about the, and the effects it has.

      Determination has gotten me so far in my life. Over the years of working with EMS, and the sheriff office I have seen the bad, heard mother’s cry over the death of a child, and have seen things that will never leave your mind. This is where me telling my kids to be truthful, loyal, honest, and righteous come in. I want my kids to experience life in a great way, but I also want them to know the dangers out there. I am very honest about life with my kids. I feel as though if you sugar coat it, the harsh reality will be too much for them. Unfortunately I have seen what being dishonest can do to a person. Honesty will get you so far in life. The flip side of that is a place you don’t want to be. I want my kids to know that honesty is the best policy, because when no one believes you, it can make for a hard life. I want my kids to be loyal to themselves and to others. Loyalty shows people so much just about you. I t shows your dedication to other people. I shows that no matter the situation you will always be true to others. That is an important key to a successful life.

      I find myself telling my kids every day, to not think so negative. I see others who always think negatively about everything. They are the most miserable people. I have had to overcome so much in my life. If i only focused on all the bad things, then I feel as though I would never make for good company. If people woke every day and said " okay world, I know you are going to be rough today, but I will overcome your obstacles. I will figure out a way to stay focused and on the right path". Think about how everyones reaction to everyday life would be. I want my kids to see that no matter how hard life may seem, never lose the focus on what matters. If we only focus on what horrible events, or obstacles we are going to face, will we never get passed them. I believe in fighting through life. For standing your ground and not being a doormat for others.

     We all build our own walls. Why do we do this? I know I have built walls because of past relationships. My wall that I am slowly knocking back down is trust of others. I have also built this wall of not letting people in to help. I am realizing that asking for help doesn't make you needy, it makes you human. I have spent so many years doing everything. But I have found that it breaks you down, not just physically, but mentally as well. I have had great progress in knocking this wall down. We all need to only build walls that protect us, not shut us out. It has taken me almost 37 years to figure this out.

I also want my kids to know that easy isn't always right. I feverything we did was easy, what did we learn? We can't go through life with out complications, burdens, mountains to climb, and thinking that we will always get the right answers to everything. We would never learn anything if life was easy. We learn from our mistakes. Failure is only failure, when we have learned nothing and it hasn't moved you forward. I have said in the past "  For the paths that I have taken, have not been the smoothest, yet through all the roughness, has showed me the path to happiness. Living makes you stronger..only if you let it".

The Aurora  borealis fills the sky with different shades of blue. What a beautiful sight it gives off. I would love to travel to Alaska one day and see it at an even closer range. I think a campfire, good wine, and great friends would compliment the blue sky of the aurora Borealis. I think i could forget all the other blue things that go on in my life just for several hours. It’s amazing how life can be so blue and bring you down, but one glimpse of something so beautiful can change you just for a short time. I love all the colors that the northern lights bring, but the blue lights highlighted with bright stars on a dark night is just an amazing sight to see. I think everyone should experience a sight like this.

What if:

I was actually in charge of my kids all the time

If I was president

If there were no computers

If life was like the 80’s

If i was to have plenty of money

If men weren't pigs

If there were more study on brain injuries and hormone effects

If I had my nursing degree

If our government was paid a regular everyday pay as the rest of us

If movie stars and Star athletes weren’t overpaid

If schools would teach the kids to learn not teach to take a test

If the school didn’t have kid’s game at 3pm

If mental issues were not overlooked

If there were no police officers

If there were no medics

If the world lost all power

If you were a doomsday prepper

If life was like the 80’s

If the world lost all power

If mental issues were not overlooked

If the world lost all power, how would people in todays world react. I know that i look around and I see the newer generation struggle when their phones go dead or break. I remember when there was only paper and telehones that were hooked to a wall. I see that most of todays society would be absolutely lost. They have taught people over the years to depend mainly on technology. I feel that natural survivor insticts lack in todays world. In 2008 i was in hurricane ike

and was with out power for a week. I watched just about everyone around me go crazy because they didn’t know how to cook their food, take a bath or mostly survive. My week was all about camping. Used the turkey fryer to boil water and cook with. I had a campfire stove that was also used as both stove and oven. Let me tell ya, biscuits in cast iron are super. I took everything out of the frezer and we cooked it, why because it would last longer and we had no problems eating that wole week. I remember the fire department coming by and offering food. I had plenty, why? Because i used my insticts that i learned growing up in the 70’s/80’s. We spent many summers living out of a tent and cooking by camp fires. The need to electricity really is just a thing that people get so spoiled to. Life can keep going with out power. Yes you may have to actually get up and make it happen but it’s not impossible to keep living. That is when you appreciate the things in your life more and don’t take it for granted. Another example of being spoiled to power is washing machines. Do we really have to have a washing machine and dryer to keep our clothes clean. I was pregnant with my second child, didn’t have a car or either washing machine and dryer. My bathtub was my washer and a clothes line outside was my dryer. Yes it took effort but it wasn’t impossible. Did i dread thiose days called laundry day, well yeah. I spent hours bent over a bathtub, takl about exhuasting. but it was what had to be done.  The generation today has been spoiled.

If the world was made up of only girls? This could go into a world war ist self. I would have to call this Bitch Nation. I am a woman, so I know how this could be. Girls are down right evil, visious and coniving. I have watched both male and female sports in the highschool setting, the boys have nothing on the girls when it comes to being hateful and mean. They always say that a woman can handle more then a man, well that is true. The reason being is because of the though process. Also this would be a disaster because if you have a billion woman and each one is having their monthy cycle can you imagine the hormones going off. It would be non stop. I have a 14 year old that is so dramatic and I litterly have to say a prayer someties just to keep myself from going off. Not sure what is about having men around because that is a visious cycle with women wanting the same man as each other. Girls are like on constant defense auto pilot at all times. Some Girls are just on dramatic auto pilot all the time. i can honestly say that if this were to ever happen I would probraly be the first to hurt alot of people, please don’t tke that litterly because really what are the odds of this actually happening on its own. I would say there wouldn’t be enough pms medications to go around to calm them all dowm. I think at this point I would find a secluded island and claim territory and only allow certain ones on, but hae then know that at any time they can be banished and go peacefully or unfriendly. I could have me a wilson, my wilson would be the man in my life. (Castaway if you don’t understand wilson). Wilson was a survival partner, and how devasting t loose my wilson would be, because then I would have to deal with hormones agian.

i believe:

life has been difficult

being a single mom has its challenges

that kids have changed over the years

I will one day get out of the slump that i am in

that my mother will die a very lonley woman’

that my family is pretty messed up

that people whom seem the happiest/ are the saddest

that mental health is very over looked

that ems/firefighters/police are under paid

that men don’t know the difference between a good woman and a bad woman

that lonliness can leave your mind racing on why

that people should live one day in the shoes of a handicap person to understand

life has been difficult

that people whom seem the happisest/are the saddest

that my family is pretty messed up

My life has seen good and evil. This has pretty much been since day one. I remember things growing up that take me to a very dark place. I never met my father until i was about 10 years old. I remember my mother dating different guys. I think I could say my life may have had a better outcome had she stayed with the Nichols guy. I remember him well, he left his kindness in my mind. I say that because he wanted to marry my mother and move us to Oklahoma. She how ever turned him down and called it off. She then married Terry. The kindness that was left by the nichols guy was the last kindness I remembered for years to come. I was five when my mother decided to marry Terry. He was nice until the wedding. After that day my life became a living hell. I was the youngest and therefor i received the brunt of pretty much everything. my oldest sister was my motheers favorite chikd, while my middle sister was neutral. She did as she was told and stayed quiet to avoid any contravery or fighting matches. Then there was me, the youngest is usually the most loudest and hard headed child you will ever have. I guess i could say that was me, but I prefer to think of it has i inherited my great grandmothers’s instincts and character. I was very close to Her. I spent every summer at her house. She taught me to clean, cook, sew and so many other things. My step father Terry was an alcoholic and was very abusive. Over the yeas my older sister would force me to do her share of  chores or beat on me. i usually couldn’t get all mine and hers done, so that left me to get the punishment. I spent years in that abusie house and my only escape was those wonderful summers spent with my great grandmother whom I called Mama. She cried every time i had to go back home. She knew, she seen the brusises.

her mission is to make people healthy, she advised that stress made people sick, new findings show that if you believe that stress can make you sick it will. when you change your mind about stress it will change the way you react to stress. view stress as helpful instead of bad then their heart reacts better, so don’t get rid of stress but how to deal with stress. stress makes you social

oxytocin--cuddle hormone-nuero hormone- do things to strengthen relationships

its a stress hormone

helps heart become stronger

you can trust yourself to handle life changes and you dont have to handle them alone

I find that this makes a lot of sense. I have a tremendous amount of stress in my life as being a single mother and having a disabled daughter. If I was to think daily about everything that can and does go wrong then I would be dead by now. Instead I know what problems I have and take them on one by one to the best that I can. I am only one person and I have now found that asking for help or having coffee with friends just so we can talk relieves so much. I know that if I was to not speak about my life issues with someone and just tried to deal with them alone i would be in bad shape, I know this for sure because my blood pressure goes up and the effects on my body and mental health are greatly affected.

I have a conflict with the school system and my daughter. she has always been in school for full days and this year with being new she has yet gone a full day. I have been told she isn’t ready. The more they prolong this the worse it will be. for once it would be nie if people would get off their high horse of thinking they know my child better then me and just listen to what i have to say. I have been her caregiver for 17 years now, not them. i know her in and out. so i am still trying to figure out why the hell they won’t listen.

torrie doesn’t show she is ready for full days, we think it will be hard on her. we do not know her we just can only go by what we see. when we feel it is the right time then we will move her to full days.

Torrie should be given at least a chance to attend a full day of school. If mom says she can do it then why wouldn’t we giver her the opportunity to show us. Mom has a good point about the longer we put this off the harder it can be. Maybe see about staggering the days to 2-3 days of the week be a full day and the others a half day. Maybe base it on her behavior as well, good behavior she stays all day. trying it should at least be considered.

There was an agent on a mission, the James Bond music was playing. He sat down to enjoy a delicious snack when a pigeon seen him. you could hear the happiness of the pigeon when he seen the agent had a donut. The agent was glad to share but was scared of the pigeon so he threw the piece of donut. It landed in the briefcase and the pigeon went after it. The slamming of the briefcase brought great fear to the agent because there were severe consequences if certain buttons were pressed. The pigeon was confused as to where he was at. He thought if he pressed buttons that it would free him from this box he was now in. The pigeon began to peck away at the buttons as he did this the briefcase began to bounce around and it seemed to the agent and the lady screaming that the pigeon was chasing them. The pigeon then realized hey i have great power with this new device, and the thought of being able to overpower the agent with his new found power would surely win the grand prize of the delicious donut. As he pecked away at the fire button there was utter destruction going on in the city. People running and screaming everywhere. The agent worked out a plan within minutes to get the pigeon out of the box. He stood holding the donut in plain sight, the pigeon backed down and stopped firing the gun. As he was creeping out the briefcase the agent swarmed at him the pigeon flew out and the donut landed inside the briefcase and activated the big red switch to send a weapon off to hit Russia. The agent activated the briefcase and off to save Russia, however the pigeon was tailing the agent for the donut, he landed on the briefcase and the glared into each others eyes and at that moment they both knew what each other wanted, the agent opened the briefcase releasing the donut, as the pigeon followed his treat the agent blew up the threat to Russia, what a loud explosion it made. The city was now back to quietness, all you could hear now was the busy cars , people talking, and birds chirping.

Physical Traits  

really tall

clean shaved

nice hair

blonde hair

skinny

bald

white hair

old

rough look

tatoos

green eyes

nice butt                                                  

long hair

red hair

Personality Traits

country fied

cocky

talkative

spoiled

trashy

headbanger

snobbish

preppy

annoying

nerdy

loud

               I want to tell you about a very special friend of mine. He has come along way in life. He has had many experiences in life, along with looks and personality changes. It is crazy that once you look back on your life, you see how different you were in  so many different situations. My friend James, well he is a little different. He has what they call multiple personality disorder. So I never know if it was James, Jake, or John that I was talking to. When he was born he had red hair and freckles, he was a very cute baby. He was a very loud baby. Some of the people who babysat him said he could be very annoying at times. Some said he was countryfied when he was a kid, he ran barefoot, drank from the water hose, and ran through the woods all day.The older he got he had long hair, a very rough look. The tattoos added to that look. Some said he was a headbanger. This personality of my friend is Jake. Some referred to Jake as trashy.James is described as a very tall, cleaned shaved man with nice hair. He had green eyes and blonde/ white hair. James was more your nerdy, preppy type of person. He wanted people to think he was important and wanted to show how smart he was. At times James could be very snobbish. But one thing I can say is he had a nice butt. I have to say that John was the best. I liked him a lot. John was skinny and bald,and old. All these traits fit him well. He was spoiled with life and loved it greatly. He sometimes come off as cocky, but he really wasn’t. He was just straight to the point. John was very talkative, i enjoyed our times of sitting and talking. I was very shocked that someone with this type of disorder could be so fun to be around.

Christy Williams

           I want to tell you about a very special friend of mine. He has come along way in life.  He’s experienced many things in life along the way. His looks and personality changes would amaze anyone. It’s crazy that once you look back on your life, you see how differently you can be in different situations. My friend James, well he can be different. He has a disordered called multiple personality disorder. So I never knew if it was James, Jake, or John that I was talking to. When my friend came into this world he had hair like that of little Annie, freckles and very cute baby. When he was a baby he could be like a speaker on full blast , some who helped watch him said he could get under your skin. Some described him as being like Tom Sawyer when he was a younger kid because he ran barefoot, drank from the water hose, and ran through the woods all day. The older he got he let his hair get very lanky and developed a look like that of a homeless man. Some said that his body art added to the look. Some thought of him as being from the dark side. This personality of my friend was Jake. Many described jake as low in quality. James’s personality was quite different. James was like a giant that had a well trimmed face with hair like a superstar.. His eyes are a leafy color and his hair reminded me of albino pale color. James could be described as more of your wimpy, rich boy type of person. He wanted people to think of him as important and wanted to show how smart he is. James at times could be very stuck up. James could show off his nice tush. I have to say that John was the best. I liked him a lot. John was like a bean pole and reminded me of Mr. Clean. All these traits fit him well. Captivated with life and love. To some he come off arrogant, but he really wasn’t. John just got straight to the point. John was very chatty and we had great times sitting and talking. It’s interesting that someone with this type of disorder could be so fun to be around.k

Christy Williams

           I want to tell you about a very special friend of mine. He has come along way in life.  He’s experienced many things in life along the way. His looks and personality changes would amaze anyone. It’s crazy that once you look back on your life, you see how differently you can be in different situations. My friend James, well he can be different. He has a disordered called multiple personality disorder. So I never knew if it was James, Jake, or John that I was talking to. When my friend came into this world he had red hair, freckles and very cute baby. He was a loud baby , some who helped watch him said he could be very annoying at times. Some described him as countryfied when he was a younger kid because he ran barefoot, drank from the water hose, and ran through the woods all day. The older he got he let his hair grow long and developed a rough look. Some said the tattoos added to the look. Some thought of him as a headbanger. This personality of my friend was Jake. Many described jake as trashy. James’s personality was quite different. James is very tall, cleaned shaved man, with nice hair. His eyes are green and his hair was a blondish white color. James could be described as more of your nerdy, preppy type of person. He wanted people to think of him as important and wanted to show how smart he is. James at times could be very snobbish. James could show off his nice butt. I have to say that John was the best. I liked him a lot. John was skinny, bald, and old. All these traits fit him well. Spoiled with life and love. To some he come off cocky, but he really wasn’t. John just got straight to the point. John was very talkative and we had great times sitting and talking. It’s interesting that someone with this type of disorder could be so fun to be around.

ya’ll- everyone, a group, I was once told i used this word at least 15 times in a 10 min conversation

seriously- i use this alot when my kids do things that they shouldn’t. disbelief, can’t belive they did what they did

really-like you knew better, another word that I use with my kids and in general

oh snap- cleaner version of the bad one

Christy Williams

English 101

Living Creed

        I am going to write about my Living Creed. I feel as though I have had a pretty eventful life. This eventful life has given me a lot of insight on how to be with not just myself, but with the world in general. After all that I have been through, seen, and done in my life. My goal in life is to try to teach my kids the importance of telling the truth, being loyal, being honest, and righteous. I like the saying, “Don’t try to be different, own the fact  that you already are”. Life has given me many curve balls, it has made me think twice about the reason why I am here time and time again. I have done my share of wrong doings and have hurt many along the way. My living Creed may just be mine, my beliefs,and my wrong doings. But it has taught me more about life, love, respect, and dignity.

        I didn’t have the greatest childhood growing up. My parents were separated and divorced before I was a year old. I never built a relationship with my mother. She wanted me to call my step dad “dad”. I refused as did my sisters. He was a very abusive man and told my sisters and I over and over how he never wanted kids. My mother stood by him and let him do many things to us. I ran away when I was around 12 years old. I really had no where to go so I stayed with several different friends and ran the streets of Houston Texas. If you know Houston, then you know its no place for a kid of that age to be.My mother was addicted to pills,smoked weed and drank. My step father was also a very heavy drinker and smoked as well. I learned their habits. It wasn’t till years later after speaking to my older sister did I know that we were both taking their weed and selling it. I was also smoking it as well. I endured a great deal of abuse living in that house. I remember many nights of just wanting to end it all.

        My father found me and brought me to the town of Lebanon Missouri. Here I was this messed up city girl now living in a small country town. I have great admiration and respect for my father and stepmother, who took me in and had the patience to deal with me. Not only was I disrespectful, rude, ungrateful, but always lying as well. I took their cigarettes to smoke and did many things I shouldn’t have. I was your worst nightmare. I listened to heavy metal and cut myself to take away the mental pain and replaced it with physical pain. I spent a lot of time in and out of treatment centers, N.A., and A.A meetings. I soon took off about the age of 16. I really fell apart at that age and wanted to die. I lost my great grandmother to cancer. I was really close to her. My mother and my grandparents on my mothers side had disowned me because I left with my dad. My great grandmother was from that same side, she however laid into them about how horrible they were. My mother and the rest of the family had stated for years how my great grandmother was senile.I think they were ashamed that their behavior was exposed and looked down upon. Shortly after, close to my 17th birthday I  found out that i was pregnant. I remember how I spent the whole night up and went from crying to shock over and over again. My friends alI  tried to encourage me to have an abortion. How could I take a life of something that was part of me.  I worked hard and had my son. I took  care of him and finished school with getting my GED. I was working three jobs and living life. I met my oldest daughter’s father after I had moved back to Texas. We had plans of getting married and living a good life with my daughter on the way. She was born in April of 1998, a very healthy little girl. Healthy only lasted about 6 weeks. Her father shook her and she nearly died. I spent a month living in ICU by my daughters bed side. I was then told she would never be normal again, She was diagnosed with traumatic brain injury, mental retardation, mental delay, and legally blind. My life at that point had changed for ever. My mother tried to take my kids away. She was not concerned for anyone but her own needs. With lots of determination, court and me standing my ground I over come all this.

         My life with a handicap daughter has taught me many things about life. I have learned patience, gratefulness for life, and compassion from the less fortunate. My daughter has also taught me many things as far as medical aspect of her injuries. I have spent many nights not sleeping and dealing with her. She had to be taught everything on a whole other level when it come to eating, walking, and sleeping. Even though she was a baby her learning was opposite of that of a normal baby. It was sitting by her side in ICU that I decided I wanted to be in the medical field one day. I thought that the actual injury that she sustained was the hardest part, that was pretty bad, but the worst was dealing with a child with a brain injury that was going through puberty. I remember taking the 911 call for my daughter at her school. She started having seizures out of the blue. No known reason at the time. The seizures were happening every month. With every seizure my daughter became more combative and aggressive. I spent endless nights and days holding her down so she couldn't hurt others or herself. I was bitten, hit and had my hair pulled for hours on end. My poor child couldn’t help what she was doing. These episodes lasted for over a year. She still has episodes sometimes, it is something that I have gotten use to.

        I see so many people trying to be different, trying to change themselves for others. I spent 10 years in a marriage trying to please a man and be what he wanted me to be. I found that I was slowly dying inside. The day that I decided to join the volunteer fire department and go back to school to be an EMT, was when my marriage started to fall apart. He wanted me to be a stay at home mother and that just wasn’t me. Here I was with five kids and no education. My husband at the time was 15 years older then me and worked the oil field. If something were to have happened to him I would have been lost. I stuck to my guns and paid for my own schooling and daycare. He refused to support me. I made it without him. It was at that moment in my life that I learned to be who I am and I may be different but it is me. It is who I was always meant to be. Even as a child I stood up for what I believed. I remember how my great grandmother had the same stubborn attitude that I have. I believe that every person should stand for what they believe in and never give in.

        Determination has gotten me so far in my life. Over the years of working EMS. and the sheriff office I have seen the bad, heard a mother’s cry over the death of a child, and have seen things that will never leave your mind. This is where me telling my kids to be truthful, loyal, honest, and righteous come in. I want my kids to experience life in a great way, but I also want them to know the dangers out there. I am very honest about life with my kids. I feel as though if you sugar coat it, the harsh reality will be too much for them. Unfortunately I have seen what being dishonest can do to a person. Honesty will get you so far in life. I want my kids to know that honesty is the best policy, because when no one believes you, it can make for a hard life. I want my kids to be loyal to themselves and to others. Loyalty shows people so much about you. It shows your dedication to other people. It shows that no matter the situation you will always be true to others. That is an important key to a successful life.

       

        I find myself telling my kids every day, to not think so negative. I see others who always think negatively about everything. They are the most miserable people. I have had to overcome so much in my life. If I only focused on all the bad things, then I feel as though I would never make for good company. If people woke every day and said” okay world, I know you are going to rough today, but I will overcome your obstacles. I will figure out a way to stay focused and on the right path”.Think about how everyones reaction to everyday life would be. I want my kids to see that no matter how hard life may seem, never lose focus on what matters. If we only focus on what horrible events and obstacles that we have been through or will have to face, we will never get passed them. I believe in fighting through life, standing your ground, and not being a doormat for others.

        We all build our own walls. Why do we do this? I know I have built walls because of past relationships. My wall that I am slowly knocking back down is trust of others. I have also built a wall of not letting people in to help. I am realizing that asking for help doesn’t make you needy, it makes you human. I have spent so many years doing everything alone. But I have found out that it breaks you down, not just physically, but mentally as well. I have had great progress in knocking this wall down. We all need to build walls that protect us, not shut us out. It has taken me almost 37 years to figure this out.

      

        I want my kids to know that easy isn’t always right.  If everything we did was easy, what did we learn? We can’t go through life without complications, burdens, mountains to climb, and thinking that we will always get the right answers to everything. We would never learn anything if life was easy. We learn from our mistakes. Failure is only failure, when we have learned nothing and it hasn’t moved you forward. I have said in the past, “ For the paths that I have taken, have not been the smoothest, yet through all the roughness, has showed me the path to happiness. Living makes you stronger, only if you let it”.

fear

fear to me is being alone. the thought of being alone is just horrible. I guess this is so for me because I am a people person, i amd a person who wants to care for someone. As adivorced mother I know that i am not alone. I do have my kids and my fear is not having a partner. fear as a child was living with my abusive step father. How i longed for those days to end. but fear was never a physical issue with me because i have always taken chances even though sometimes the outcome wasn’t so great. i was not affraid of really anything growing up. my youngest son is the same way, but being fearless also makes you wreckless. I wish i had more fear, but i don’t. I can say that my lack of fear has also made me a stronger person. not physically stronger but mentally. I know now how to describe things to my son in a way that can hopefully let him see that sometimes having fear is a good thing. my fear of loeliness is something i truly hate to even think about. I want to have a partner that i can share things with, look to for advisce because if they are my partner they can be the first to say hey christy, what in the world are you thinking. fear to a child may be the dark, or in my child hood was never meeting my real father. I just wanted what every other normal kid wanted. I wish that i could say that my fear was something more than loneliness, but its not. I dont fear my life in general because it is a gift, i don’t fear that my bills won’t be paid because payday comes and thats the first thing I do. I do how ever fear that my kids may have hatred torwards me because i divirced their father. I know those fears all to well. i try to teach them and guide them . i want them to see that is okay, because i do see the fear in their faces when they think of their father.  they fear that they won’t get to see him as much and i think their fear isn’t that they won’t see him but if he forgets them.

but being fearless also makes you wreckless. i know from growing up and having absolutely no fear i was very wreckless. I made poor choices not only in life in general but in peiople that i choose to hang out with. I have seen my share of things that no mother or father would want their chilkdren to see. I keep those images in my head for constant reminder and that has made me ther person I am today. I can only hope to pass on my expirence of choices and decisions that had life altering consequences on to my kids in hope to put fear into them in the decisions that they will make growing up. How do you describe fear in general, is it how it makes you feel, does it send chills down your spoine. Do you describe fear as something more deep. Sure most of us don’t like certain creatures. But do you look to the situation and say, okay snake i am bigger and i can kill you. to me I hate snakes, do I fear them no because I know that i can over power that. That is how i have looked and lived my life. why be affraid of something when you can take control of the situation at hand. Fear to me is more, it is deep. it is a loss that you can never gain back. my fear of loneliness is deep. i am a very independent woman and that makes it hard to be with someone. i make my own choices and do my own thing and so it hard to make comprimise of anything. the other person eventually gets tired and then is gone, and their i am back to being alone. or being with someone and thinking hey this is great, but then realizing that you are more alone being with that person then you would be if you were just alone. crazy as it sounds but that is what i fear.  i fear that loneliness because when you are there you are alone. the thoughts that may run through your mind are endless, is is a self destructing thing. you become very negative and harsh on yourself.

Fear to me is more, it is deep. I have heard and seen so much in my life as and EMT that my fear or car wrecks has vanished. My fear of certain situations are gone. My job has taken so much sympathy out of me. I look further into the situation and ask myself what do i need to be affraid of. I see people trying to hold on to loved ones that are obviously gone and they are only keeping the body warm. I would hate that. My life expirence has showed me what living like a vegatable will be. I have also warned everyone close to me that i will huant them if they try to keep my body warm, they need to let me go. I see others fear on 911 calls, i hear their fear when I am taking their calls for help. I t has given me such a bigger area of things not to fear. I don’t fear death like most of the people i come in contact with either by phone or on scene. It is a proven fact that we all are going to die, life is a gift and it isn’t truly ours. These people fear that an accident is going to define the rest of their life, but only if they let it. I have seen peple come back from the worst time in their life. My daughter was shaken at 6 weeks old. she suffered  a severe head bleed and now half her brain is dead. she continues, she has no fear because she knows no fear. isn’t that ironic, how can someone not know what fear is. Some would say how is that possible, fear comes from your mind, the brain, how it works. Fear is a controlling issue. do you control it or does it control you. I guess my only other fear in life would be is for my daughter. if i was taken out of this life today where would she go.

As I have worked in the EMS over the last nine and half years, I have seen my share of death. Not only have I seen it but I have heard it as well. I remember my first dead body that was mangled inside a crashed car. I looked at this woman, how young she was. I had to cut her out of this car and there was no life left in her body. All I could think about was how she looked to be the almost the same age as me. There was kid stuff in her car, was she a mother. What child was going to be grieve stricken today. Turns out she was my age, she had a son who also happen to be the same age as my son at the time. I thought that cutting her body out of this car was the hard part. I was wrong. The guy from the funeral home showed up and he jerked her body around like it was just another day. Here I was being oh so gentle after all she was still a human, a mother, a person. I was angered by this guy’s lack of sympathy. I gently pushed her hair back and slowly zipped the big black body bag that she now lay in. I will never forget the look on her face as i zipped it shut. I will always think back on that day because in a sense I also lost my sympathy after that day. I will never forget seeing the woman's mother running to the scene from a distance. The sound that she made when she in deed seen that her daughter was for sure gone. As my fellow firefighters and I stood there and watched her grieve over her daughter locked away in the bag, we lowered our helmets and just starred.

I remember my first dead body that was mangled inside a crashed car. All I could think about was the life that was now gone. She was so young looking and I remember seeing kid stuff inside the car. Was she a mother? what poor child was going to be told that their mother was gone. What kind of life will that be for a child with no mother. I thought cutting her out was going to be the hardest, i was wrong. I think the hardest part was putting her lifeless body in the big black body bag. I remember the guy from the funeral home was rough with her, like this was no big thing, its just a dead body. I was being so gentle and he angered me so much for the lack of respect that he showed for her. She turned out to be a mother, she in fact was the same age as me and her son was the same age as my son at the time. I remember pushing her hair back and starring into her eyes as I zipped the bag close. There was nothing but a blank stare left in her eyes, no moisture or life, it was gone. I remember hearing the sound of her mother coming from a distance and that sound will always be in the back of my mind. I remember watching her come to realize that in deed her daughter was really gone. My fellow firefighters and just stood and we lowered our helements in respect and just starred. I think it was that day that I realized they guy from the funeral home wasn't showing lack of respect, or lack of sympathy. this was a coping skill that I would soon to learn. That was my first dead body to encounter in this field, and those will all stick with you. The one thing I remember after that day wass the wanting a bacon cheeseburger after i had left that horrible scene. Who in their right mind would want to eat after that.